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Saturday, January 1, 2011

the dissolving ego

I'm about to send a journal article to my colleagues in the interdisciplinary faculty collaboration. Although I found this article very useful in my own growth, I see my reluctance to "bother" my colleagues with email or anything. I don't exactly know why I have this reluctance, but I do.

I am in a personal collapse of "ego," of all that I once believed to be true about myself and my life--my professional and my personal life. Over the last year, my friendship with Roger has catalyzed in me a far deeper ability to "see." I can now witness my own thought patterns and habits of mind. I find myself able to interrupt my enactment of what I experience as "suffering." I feel so profoundly grateful for this, yet liberation is strangely uncomfortable because I have lost the story of who I am (or who I thought I was).

Roger told me the other day that a friend of his jokingly refers to him as the "great undoer" for the way in which things get "undone" around him.

When I am still, I can sometimes feel the urgency that we--all of us who dare to call ourselves "adults"--courageously plunge forward into our own transformation. I can feel the imperative to transition to a wholly less violent way of living. I can feel the need to "fix it,"...and my own inability, smallness and lack of knowledge of what to do.

My leadership model says that each one of us carries the responsibility and capacity to illuminate the path for others, even if this illumination involves the simple act being transparent in our ignorance.

This relates to our faculty collaboration. I don't want to create the facade that I am an expert in any way and I worry that I don't yet know how to interact with others apart from my ego self.  Well, ...what can we do but take another step?...