how it feels right now to "hold it"

Dear friends,  you would laugh at me if you could see the kind of personal drama I am creating about our design time together tomorrow.

(to be honest, I am a little afraid of sharing this with bob, matt and karen, who won't be joining us until spring, for fear that it all seems like too much). 

...I have been thinking about what Roger pointed to about our faculty collaboration having the same qualities as the student experience...(in summary) people are engaged because of the the autonomously-chosen personal value, interest and relatedness they experience while doing it. 

I am in an odd place of panic because I feel like I should be providing some kind of "leadership," yet I also am in a personal breakdown of my old model, brought on by my feedback from the LDP results. 

I know that Liz is feeling responsible too. It may be her and my role of being PIs on the grants. In fact, we keep having these fights about what should be done.  And I know that the fighting is happening in part because of our feeling of scarcity around time. 

I feel that I have been "holding" too much of the decision-making.  yet, we have the practical task of designing the first two weeks together on top of the pressure of the holidays .  my old model of "getting things done" was that someone had to take the reins and drive.  i've entirely lost my belief in the value of this model for collaboration (it is not, in fact collaboration). 

so, I am writing this note to you as a kind of confession that I feel reliant upon each of us for our collective creative power.   this may all be a personal drama, but I am recording it for posterity.